reasons why marie claire is a great magazine to read!

lunch

photo by malias on flickr creative commons

Well I won’t admit to being anything but tardy on this party, but it’s definitely worth a mention if you haven’t seen it already….

I’ve never really read Marie Claire, except for the odd flip-through waiting at the dentist’s, or out of sheer snoredom at grandma’s. Nor do I really trust much of the info in any kind of beauty-tip-fashion-advice-‘women’s info’-aggregator magazine, BUT. This is outright dangerous bullshit.

(The Globe was of course, not overly critical in their blog post on the article, but I’m not writing for anyone else but myself and my mom—hi, mom!— so I’m gonna throw my three or four cents in…)

So recently MC did an article on what nutritionists really eat. This is the real goodies, guys. They interviewed a few nutritionists, but since MC is basically a tabloid, the most controversial, ludicrous, and downright stupid nutritionist must be published first and most prominently. Check out this display of pure health:

NATALIA ROSE
Location: NYC
Height: 5’7″
Weight: 117 pounds
Clients: Frédéric Fekkai, Robin Quivers
The tab: Personalized programs are $850.

Fitness regimen: Aims to work out every day. Either bounces and dances on a mini trampoline for 45 minutes or cycles around Central Park for an hour.

Indulgences: Dark chocolate, goat cheese, goat milk, ice cream, red wine.

M.O.: “Instead of being bogged down by your meal, you should be elevated by it. I don’t use food mindlessly as a social pastime or something to do when I’m bored. It’s spiritual, and truly part of a holistic lifestyle. I believe that we take our vitality predominantly from the air, sunlight, and clean water, so I don’t take anything but this ‘life force energy’ until the sun goes down, then I enjoy nutrient-rich foods — along with others that are less so but that I enjoy anyway! Of course there are fun things to eat. But most people eat to escape their lives. A lot of us don’t realize that we don’t need to do things the normal way.”

Core advice: “I don’t recommend my diet to beginners. Start slowly with any diet or detox, and make sure you’re eating tons of seasonal, fresh fruits and vegetables.”

BREAKFAST

  • Lemon tea with fresh, raw grated ginger, a squeeze of lemon, and Stevia to taste (a natural, calorie-free sweetener), 24 fl oz — 3 calories*
  • Mountain Valley Spring Water, 16 fl oz — 0 calories

LUNCH

  • Nothing

DINNER

  • One small watermelon — 230 calories
  • Two cantaloupes — 376 calories
  • Two bananas — 200 calories
  • Smoothie (pineapple, avocado, kale, alfalfa sprouts, coconut water, mint) — 366 calories

DESSERT

  • Box of Salud macaroons, 4.5 oz — 604 calories

TOTAL DAILY CALORIES: 1,779

*Great words of advice copied-and-pasted from highly-recommended health rag Marie Claire.

So basically, this ridonkulously-priced nutrionist to the STARS! recommends deprivation all day, doing a few sun salutations, then binge eating the second the sun stops shining on your belly, which is probably distended and bloated from going into starvation mode during the 23 hours of the day it’s left running on empty, not to mention lacking in most nutrients, stupidly high in sugar, and terrible for metabolism and digestion. In most cultures, my friends, this is known as DISORDERED EATING. Science says that this is not healthy! Even if the $850 pricetag doesn’t! No debate there.

If seven dentists out of ten said skip brushing your teeth and just let them soak up and be bleached and cleansed in the sweet fucking sunlight, would YOU do it? If three out of five doctors recommended to do away with sleep, and instead howl at the moon for a few hours and cat nap when it rains, would you publish it in your magazine, without ANY kind of disclaimer?

Now, if you’re reading this blog, you’re obviously a talented, intelligent individual and would read an article like this—if you did come across it at all—with a cynical eye and perhaps not eat the advice up (or, sorry, absorb it like sunlit energy). But as a professional, people kind of believe what you say about your area of expertise, no? And what if anyone actually DOES try some of this quacky crazy experiment out on their own poor bodies? So now that I’m pursuing a career where I might one day be legitimately able to advise people how to nourish themselves, I’m downright offended that this even got published. So I’ll join you, Courtney, in raising the middle finger, and giving one big, fat, Fuck you, Marie Claire!

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