Lent and letting go of life’s awesome things

I’m not a Catholic, I was a terrible Christian, and now I’m making a mockery of their holy traditions for partially superficial reasons.

Allow me to elaborate.

Ever since I’ve returned from South America/India, things haven’t been totally, er, normal. Around the digestive region. It looks like it’s gonna take more than just those crazy purple ciproflaxin pills I’d been taking. Yes, it’s time to go on a detox. And what better time to start than a time when lots of other people (non-religious ones, too) will be cranky and missing their favorite foods (does anyone give up things other than food) like their pet Roger that died in a fatal street-crossing accident when they were seven.

So yesterday I cooked myself a tray of nachos, chugged back a few of my favorite cider, and said bye-bye to all the edible pleausres of my life, because for the next 40 days, or whatever, my menu reads like the diet of a wartime rationee whose city is surrounded. And in torture camp.

No…. GLUTEN (ie. bread. beer. pasta. fun.)

No… SUGAR (not even honey.)

No… DAIRY (except eggs, yay!)

No… CAFFEINE (I’m hoping this will be my easiest)

No… ALCOHOL (except for vodka waters that I plan to drink at this weekend’s housewarming. Sorry, liver)

Yes… you are a saint.

I’m also preceding each meal with a delicious aloe herbal detoxing dietary supplement. A nice little concoction of aloe, burdock root, acacia gum, milk thistle, dandelion leaf, and slippery elm leaf. It kind of tastes like if you were to grind some vegetables and throw them into make a chunky molasses that tastes rotten. But it’s gonna make me a superhero, so I’ll suck it back like a champ.

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